The following is a reflection written ca. 2005 during my journey to Orthodoxy.
He can no longer have God for his Father, who has not the Church for his mother. —St. Cyprian of Carthage
Am I all so childish, so very naive and co-dependent, to feel as though knowing my Father is incomplete without being held in the nurture of my mother?
My Father is the one whose voice I hear, in whom I have both been given and have come to know my name, whose love is incomprehensible, fearful, the one by whose seed my life has sprung forth—the seed of the Spirit—through Christ who has shown me what love is, and continues to.
It is in my Father that all things are found, I cannot even conceive of any sort of “reality” apart from him, for He constitutes reality. But what of my mother? Where is she? It is my Father in whom I will always be found, but my mother, is she not the bride of this one Father alone? Indeed such a father could not have more than one bride any more than one child could have multiple mothers.
So then, mother, my spirit aches for your embrace, not even for your food, but for your love, it is in you that my life is brought to a unity under the Father.
Or, again, is it a childish ignorance or an adult arrogance that brings me to believe that there is an insufficiency in sensing a knowledge of my Father apart from my mother?
Who would I be if not for her? And do i truly understand the person of my Father apart from knowing my mother? I believe not.
I believe that I cannot have this Father apart from my mother. It is in being had by both that I am allotted back my humanity. Yet still I do not truly know her.
I long for her, I idealize her, I sense her loving comfort; I see how she directs me to my Father and teaches me that I am to be one with Him, that He is in me, that I may be in Him as well, that I am of Him.
Father, is this why you seem so far away? Is this why I cannot hear?
If she is there, let me find her, for it is in her nurture that I find God, in being allowed to chose to fall subject to the eternal embrace and unity of this mother.